I am writing to thank you all, each and every one of you, for being the truest patriots and martyrs for your country - for any country - in history. Your true agenda, that of aiding and assisting the cause of Scottish independence at every turn, seems to have been lost on many people throughout Scotland, yet I would be loathe to let your efforts, no matter how secret, go unrecognised. History will soon be telling us that if it hadn't been for your colossal contribution, our nation would never have won its independence, and it's only right that you should all be recognised and celebrated for that.
I used to be of the opinion that Alex Salmond was the savviest politician in the British Isles at the present time. I must say, now that I have realised what you were trying to do all along, I think I've totally overrated him. Let's face it, if I had the Better Together campaign telling everyone I couldn't write for toffee, I'd probably end up topping the New York Times' Best Seller list. With enemies like you, who needs friends?
Except that you are not enemies; it is clear to me now that you were friends all along, friends more loyal, steadfast and true than any sane person could ever hope to dream for. It is also apparent even to my jaded eyes that you are all among the most clever, intelligent and insidious supporters of any independence campaign in history. Had Fidel Castro had you onside, he wouldn't have had to spend years clad in fatigues and camping out in the Sierra Maestra. Had Gandhi, Nehru and Jinnah only been able to avail themselves of your services, there would have been no riots and no violence in the Indian subcontinent at all. If you had only been around a hundred years ago, I'm perfectly convinced that the island of Ireland would be united and at peace at this very moment. Such has been your massive and irrefutable bestowal upon the YES campaign.
What vexes me however is just how many of our fellow Scots don't seem to get the joke, and how many high heid yins in Westminster are still labouring under the delusion that you were actually working for, and not against, them all along. How could anyone believe that people with credentials such as yours could have been so monolithically stupid/corrupt as to genuinely believe the ludicrous, manufactured and hilarity-inspiring grot that you have been spouting for years? Don't they get the irony? Can't they see that you are political comedy geniuses?
You took a lackluster pro-indy campaign in 2012, and you collectively galvanised and transformed it into one of the most unified and exciting grassroots movements in modern history. With your astonishing and profound grasp of the Scottish psyche, you realised instinctively that if there was one thing that would absolutely guarantee that the Scottish populace would vote YES to self-determination, it would be spending two years screeching at them that they "couldn't do it", that they would "be worse-off" and that they were "separatists" who would "pay a heavy price". You realised, like the political wunderkinds you are, that by constantly quoting laughable sources such as the Tory-founded and London-based Institute for Fiscal Studies, anyone with an IQ greater than that of a half-eaten Tunnock's teacake would know that you were lying about the figures you were quoting, and would, in turn, think that you were treating them with unbridled contempt, instead of cunningly egging them on to a YES vote. You have demonstrated, at every turn, a clinical understanding of the Scottish character, and what's more, you have taken advantage of this knowledge, like the chess grandmasters you are, to attain what I now realise was your ultimate goal all along: Scottish independence.
You understood immediately that by stating that the Scottish people weren't "genetically programmed" to make political decisions, that by defending the moral and financial outrage of nuclear weapons being essentially dumped up here, even as libraries and hospitals were closed down, that by making comically sour predictions about one of the biggest oil bonanzas on Earth (even while the Financial Times and Britain's leading economists and investors publicly contradicted you), that by ignoring Scotland's geographically perfect strategic position to become a renewable energy powerhouse, that by blatantly ignoring an exports industry that is set to become among the strongest in Europe, that by congratulating citizens of other small countries which fought for and won their freedom on their respective independence days while brazenly denying the right to self-determination of everyone in Scotland, that by defending a political system that seems to have been almost specifically designed to be one of the most venal, corrupt and unfair systems of government in modern Europe, that by allying yourselves with the most maligned and detested political party in Britain, that by telling the people of Scotland, against reason and common sense,
|The Pound - and who uses it|
You alone bore the cross. You alone got the joke. I just don't know how anyone can read all of the above and not understand that you have been covertly on our side all this time. Surely they can't believe that you were actually being serious? I mean, come on, that wouldn't even bear thinking about; there are Farrelly Brothers' plots I go could along with before that. Why can't they see that the whole thing was a joke, a wry, Scottish joke, that was consummately designed to totally alienate us and so procure us our independence?
I almost want to weep at the sacrifices you have made for your country. You have sacrificed your respect, your reputations, whatever political clout you may once have had, your good names, your public standing and, indeed, everything but your well-earned salaries and second homes to get your country independent, and you've had No Thanks for it at all. You have shown the world that Scots don't just speak irony, they are prepared to live it, if it gets them what they want. You've shown us as a nation that we are "Better" and "Stronger" when we don't get the joke. You truly represent the best of both worlds: you are postmodernist comedy geniuses and selfless political martyrs. I would salute you all, if only I wasn't fully engaged in blowing my nose.